11.Rightful Place

11. RIGHTFUL PLACE

And that one thing was adjusting the alarm system in our house. Now that a

vampire breaking into my house and hovering over my bed at night was no longer a deluded fantasy of

mine but a frighteningly real possibility, I needed to disable the “Ring for Criminals but Ignore Any

Vampires” setting.

I ran back to my house and retrieved the vampire-proof locks from our bottom kitchen drawer. Jim had

been on my case about putting those on, but between the vampire fighting and my Elizabeth

Bennett-esque romantic realizations, I just hadn’t found the time. Remembering that he had warned me I

would be sleeping on the streets tonight if he came home and our house still wasn’t vampire-proof, I went

through all the rooms, applying the safety locks that only human hands can open. This is because human

hands can squeeze and pull simultaneously, while vampires and children can only do one or the other at

any given time.

I wanted to forget all about prom, so I took off my ragged cast and changed into a slim, satin evening

gown. I looked in the mirror, resolved; I looked at a self-portrait I had drawn, resolved; I looked into the

dirty water in the kitchen sink, which had a faint reflection, resolved. It was time to go to Edwart.

I arrived over the other side of the fence surrounding his gated neighborhood, panting, realizing I could

have walked in the open entrance instead. I decided to take off my heels; they were fine to walk in, but I

wanted Edwart to think that I had a hard time getting to him. I also—oops—accidentally ripped my dress

climbing over a gate and—oops—accidentally messed up my hair with my hand.

I ran along the streets of Edwart’s subdivision in the dark, imagining I was a woman who balances clay

pots on her head running to the watering hole, or that I was a gifted teenage girl running away from a

group of vampires celebrating the greatest night of high school. A lot had happened to me in the past few

days. I had dated a real boy who was a fake vampire. I had dated a real vampire with a fake accent. I

had faked my death to see if I would have a big funeral, but I didn’t have any funeral at all, because my

eye kind of twitched as I was lying there and it ruined everything. I hadfinally gotten through that

many-book series about the girl prankster, Nancy Drew. Also there was something about werewolves,

but I left that part out.

As I ran, all of these events ran through my mind in a kind of photo-video montage with cool,

exhilarating rock music playing in the background. I added the image of me winning some sort of award,

because I have a feeling this will happen soon.

I turned down Edwart’s street, deciding to walk the rest of the way because I didn’t want to be out of

breath when I arrived. I wondered what I would say to explain the sweat stains on my dress. Would he

believe me if I told him that I had peed? My pee did have a funny way of winding up by my armpits.

I was right in front of Edwart’s house when, suddenly, I heard “Decode” by Paramour. My ring tone!

I quickly opened my cell phone. “Wuddup Blood?” I said. Answering this way was a habit I had

developed when I thought my boyfriend was a vampire.

“Be careful not to speak until I tell you to.”

I froze.It was Josh! I dropped the phone. I picked it up and then dropped it again.

I put the phone to my ear just in time to hear him say, “Good, now say ‘Switchblade’ or press one if that

is your current location.”

“Switchblade,” I whispered, looking up at Edwart’s glass house in fear. There could only be one reason

behind this call: kidnapping. Would I ever hear Edwart’s sweet triangle melody again?

“This is your final warning.” Josh continued.

“Stop it!” I yelled. “I’m not afraid of you!”

“Your vehicle is not insured,” he said.

“Where’s Edwart? Do not hurt him!” Slipping a little, I began to run up the glass walk.

“To insure your car, please press one or say ‘INSURE’ after the tone.” Josh’s voice said.

I stopped running, suddenly relaxed. It was a recording. So that’s how vampires make a living: using

their commanding voices for pre-recorded phone calls.

At Edwart’s door, my index finger was too shaky to ring his doorbell—yes, another insecure reservation

about our love for one another was preventing me from doing the inevitable.What if his life were better

without me? What if he had found someone within the last four hours who had read moreJane

Austen novels than me? What if he had found someone who suffered from fewer delusions? I

leaned my head against the wall in self-defeat, accidentally ringing the doorbell.

Edwart opened the door. “Belle!” he cried.

“Edwart!” I cried.

“Belle!”

“Edwart!”

“Belle!”

“Edwart!”

I noticed there was garlic above the doorframe. Edwart held a stake in one hand and a “Team Jacob”

shirt in the other.

“Did you get bit?” he asked nervously.

“No,” I said, coming towardss him. “I’m fine.”

“Phew!” he said. He put down the shirt and stake. “Becausethat would be a twist!”

“Don’t worry. If Josh ever tries that I will bite him first and turn him into a girl.”

We were silent a few moments. In the first moment, I noted with relief how looking at him still made my

heart beat faster. In the second moment, I anxiously wondered if the beating would ever slow down or

was I going into cardiac arrest after all that running. In the third moment, I took in his skinny beanpole

frame and beaming, freckled face. I couldn’t help but beam back. As long as I was with Edwart, I would

never lose another thumb war again.

“So what’s up?” he said.

I gave the usual answer: “Not much. Just left the vampire prom to come see you.”

“Belle, I’m really sorry I left you in the cemetery. I was going to take some karate lessons and then

come back for you … but after the lesson on ethics I realized that karate begins and ends with courtesy.

It is a discipline that should only be used for self-defense, and eventhat as a last resort. So I hiked up

Deadman’s mountain and got the android—”

“The one that falls and gets up again?”

“Yeah—that one!” He grinned at me, wonderingly. “You remembered.”

“Of course Edwart. That was the day that I realized that I could love you even if you devoted all your

time to creating a useless, unmarketable android.”

“Not exactly useless anymore.” He stepped aside, revealing the android behind him. It looked like the

same anatomically correct human body imitation as before, but something was off.

“Watch this.” Edwart turned it on. Its eyes glowed red.

“Vampire: seven miles away,” it said in the voice of Jeff Goldblum (“He was the first robot to ever win

an academy award,” explained Edwart with admiration). It raised its robotic arm. Attached to it was a

huge harpoon-looking weapon.

“It’s a cold-seeking missile,” said Edwart, smiling mischievously. “I call it a ‘vampire shish kabob.’”

“Awesome,” I murmured. “Why didn’t you use it?”

He looked at his feet. “I heard you were with Josh and … I didn’t want to hurt him if…”

“Why? Why wouldn’t you want to protect me from that awful, awful vampire?”

He looked at me with a sad smile and bright, weary eyes. “Would you have liked it if I blew up all the

vampires while you were still dating one? Wouldn’t you have rather I waited patiently for you to return,

no matter how long it took, so we could blow them up together?”

I paused, unsure where this was going.

“So I waited for you,” he continued. “I waited to see if you would come back, even though you would

rather date a vampire than me.”

“Well …” I started to say, but then I decided that statement was too complicated to correct. So instead I said: “I’m sorry too, Edwart.”

He placed his hand on the android’s LAUNCH button. “Shall we?” he said playfully, holding out his

other hand for mine.

“Edwart!”

“What?”

I crossed my arms in disapproval.

“Oh—you thought … you thought I wasreally going to … you think I wouldkill? Kill vampires?” he

laughed uneasily. I laughed too. I had to admit, it would make a pretty good prank some day.

Edwart turned away from me a little but moved his eyes so they were looking at me peripherally.

“Can I … show you a video game I made?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, sure. That’s so cool that you make videogames! Is it about me?”

“Well,” he said as he turned on his Wii. I realized that my clever deduction was very clever, indeed. Of

course it was about me!

“Okay, so this is you,” he said pointing to an unflatteringly computer-animated girl.

“But she has brown hair,” I said.

“You have brown hair. Don’t you?”

“Brown with red highlights,”I corrected. Jeez!

He pointed to a muscular warrior character. “This is obviously me,” he said, “and this is Josh!” He

pointed to a mushroom near the bottom of the screen. “Let’s fight him, Belle!”

I was getting a little impatient. Were we going to have to wait four books and thousands of pages for

anything to happen?

“So what do you want to do now?” I asked.

“Play videogames.”

“How long do you want to play videogames for?”

“A really long time. I want to play every videogame with you.”

“And then after that?”

“Well if there’s time we should really work on our club website, but I understand if you get tired after all

these videogames. I have two closets full.”

I lay back on the couch, exhausted. The problem with smart boys is that they never initiate.

Edwart was by my side. He swiftly wrapped his arm around me, pulling me towards his bony chest.

His hands grabbed my hands like they were video game controllers. He pushed down on my left index

finger. I low-kicked. He pushed down on my left pinkie. I jumped. He pushed down on my right thumb. I

paused in mid-air. He kind of rotated my wrist while pushing down on my right middle finger. I crouched down and shot a fireball from my hands. This was getting fun!

Suddenly I blurted out. “I love you more than everything in the entire galaxy combined into one potent, delicious piece of gum!”

“That definitely seems like enough,” Edwart said. He gazed at me in silence for a moment. “This game

shows how I feel.”

We looked at the Belle and Edwart figures on the TV screen. They were next to each other and bobbing

up and down lightly, every so often saying “Hiyah!”Just like us , I thought.

Slowly, Edwart began to trace my spine with his fingers, drawing invisible shapes on my back. I turned

towards him and traced his hand with my fingers, making an invisible turkey.

After a few minutes, Edwart asked: “What am I drawing?”

“A computer.”

He sighed and gently pressed his lips to my hair. “You know me too well,” he murmured.

I imagined what the kids at my old school in Phoenix would think if they saw me now. They’d probably

think, “Belle left Phoenix? I thought there was someone missing from my history project group!”

We began to butterfly kiss, which is when you touch your eyelashes to the other person’s skin. I was

going to respect Edwart’s desire to wait, and he was going to respect my desire for winged creatures.

“AHHH LEG CRAMP LEG CRAMP!” Edwart suddenly shouted.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, did I do something?” I asked, worried that this was getting too intense for

him.

“No, I just need to stretch it—okay, that’s better.”

I lifted up my face towards Edwart’s to butterfly kiss him again. He bowed his face towards mine,

fluttering his eyelashes softly against my eyelashes, and then against my cheek and lips. Edwart had

terrible eyelash-eye coordination, so I held very still to help him out. He firmly cupped my face in his

hands for better aim. Then, very slowly, he tilted my face to his. I stopped fluttering my eyelashes. We

stared at each other for a very long time. My eyes started going a little cross-eyed and I saw three noses

at once. He swept away the hair that was stuck to my ChapStick, weaving his fingers deep into my

brownish-red tresses like a finger headband. Tenderly, he drew my lips towards his, and I could feel his

breath tickling the tiny hair follicles that every normal woman has above her mouth.

“AHHH FOOT CRAMP FOOT CRAMP!” he yelled.

“How is this happening?”

“It’s fine—ow!—it’s fine now.”

We looked at each other and laughed a little because, hey, relationships take work, and communication.

And with that Edwart put his cold lips to my neck, for the first time. 

THE END

10.Vampire Prom

10. VAMPIRE PROM

I ran upstairs as quickly as possible, then toreoff my shirt and threw it on the

floor.

“Might I suggest you wear something simple?” a voice directed without any hint of suggestion.

I turned to the window and gasped.Josh! Quickly, I covered up my bra-patterned undershirt. It was too

late, though; Josh had seen them.So now he knew I was aware of lady garments .

“I don’t mean to control every facet of your life,” he continued, taking my hand and closing the window

with it, “but I believe it would be unwise for you to wear something eye-grabbing to the prom. The theme

is Fancy Venetian Masquerade, and you’re going to be in a room full of vampires. Any fabric you own

that camouflages with walls or dance floors might be best.”

“How did you get in here?”

“Through the window—duhI’m a vampire!”

“Still, my window is barely two feet tall.”

“Duh, I did the vampire trick where you shrink yourself down with a vampire ray and then

vampire-pump yourself back to a normal size.”

I started to ask more questions, but we were interrupted by a violent banging on the door.

“Where is he?” called Jim. “Is that vampire in there?”

Josh lunged towards me and put his hand over my mouth.“Noooo,” he said in a low, masculine voice.

“Just your female, human daughter …all alone.” I pushed his hand away. “No, Dad,” I said. “I don’t see a vampire in here. We’ll keep looking though! I

mean,I’ll keep looking though!”

After a long pause, we heard him stomp back down the stairs.

I turned to Josh. “I can’t believe you told him you were a vampire! Jimhates vampires.”

“Are you embarrassed by me?” he asked teasingly. He grabbed my waist and pulled me close. “What

about now?” he said, doing a humiliating penguin dance.

“No—I’m not embarrassed by you. We just have to keep your vampirism a secret from my friends and

family forever and ever, okay?”

He stopped dancing. “Whoa there. Forever and ever?”

I sighed exasperatedly. Edwart might have been clueless but he didn’t askhalf as many questions. “Yes,

forever and ever. Once you’ve bitten me and made me your vampire mate.”

He slowly backed away. “Wait right here, Belle,” he said, opening the window behind his back.

“There’s something I got to do … at this other place.”

As I heard his car roar to life and then screech away, I turned my attention to my closet.What could I

possibly wear to a masquerade? I threw everything I owned onto my bed. Leg cast, left leg cast, neck

cast, various finger casts. In the end, I decided to go with my full-body cast.

A car screeched to a halt outside our house. I heard voices floating up from the living room. Josh had

returned! I crept to the doorway, listening for the sounds of Jim breaking his rifle out of its mounted glass

case. He must have convinced Jim that he wasn’t a vampire, though, because all I heard was the low hum

of their conversation.

“I assure you I’m a very old-fashioned guy, Mr. Goose. I promise to do everything by the book,” Josh

was saying. “Here is the agreement that the learned man in the next town over drew up for me. It says

that in exchange for one date with your daughter, I will provide you with four laying geese, a bundle of

barrel staves, and the use of my largest scythe in three weeks’ time.”

“This pleases me,” said Jim. “I am an extremely permissive father who would never dream of requesting

such an arrangement, but I am professedly a sucker for barrel staves. Share a celebratory pint with me?”

I heard theglug-glug sound of gin being poured into pint glasses.

“Only two for me, Mr. Goose,” said Josh. “I’m driving.”

“What was it you said you were again, Josh my boy?”

I inhaled sharply and shut my eyes tight.Don’t say vampire .

“A graffiti artist, sir. A window graffiti artist.”

“I see.”

Suddenly, the sound of glass shattering rang throughout the house. Josh sprang up the stairs into my room, slamming the door shut behind him. Jim barreled up the stairs after him, getting more and more

aggravated the more he shot his rifle, sinking the priceless, antique bullets into our seventeenth-century Frisian wainscoting.

“What did I say?” Josh gasped, moving my dresser in front of the door.

“Jim’s a window-wiper, Josh. And according to a T-shirt he has, he is also a Female Body Inspector. I think that’s some type of gynecologist, but I’ve always been too grossed out to ask. In any case,” I

explained, “hehates window graffiti artists. Really, the only people he doesn’t hate are descendents of

werewolves. Try that next time.”

“What are youwearing?” asked Josh, admiring my costume.

“You like it? It’s a full-body cast.”

“What are you supposed to be? Some kind of creepy mummy?”

“Yes,” I said uncomfortably. I was a little hurt that he couldn’t tell I was a beautiful cocoon. Maybe we

weren’t meant to raise three Dachshunds together, after all. “What areyou supposed to be?” I asked.

Josh was wearing a formal black tuxedo with a smoky, grey vest. “I’m a Human Guy,” he said with a

grin, flashing his false human teeth.

I shuddered.Why do boys insist on wearing the most unattractive outfits they can find to costume

parties? I wondered just as Jim shot down the door.

“You!” he said, pointing his rifle at Josh. He fired.

BANG!

Josh zoomed left, supernaturally avoiding the bullet.

BANG!

Josh leaped right, humanly avoiding the bullet.

My dad reloaded. First, he poured in the gunpowder. Then, he pushed it down with a long brush-like

thing and added the musket ball. Right then, I bet Jim really regretted buying that Revolutionary War rifle,

even though he got it for an incredible price. It took about ninety seconds to re-load. It doesn’t sound

like that long, but try waiting in silence for even five seconds. It feels very long.

One…

Two…

Three …

Four…

Five …

See what I’m talking about?

“Relax, Dad,” I said, before this ridiculous waste of paper could go any further. “He’s a werewolf.”

Jim lowered his rifle. “Oh. Sorry about that,” he mumbled. He looked over at my costume. “Wow,

Belle. You look like a real mature lady!”

I had to admit, Idid look stunning for a caterpillar’s pupal casing. Lucy and Laura would say I looked

more “hAwWt and jUiCaYyY;)” but I think that “stunning” was a much better word. I had recently come

into the possession of a Thesaurus. You would not believe how many words there are! When I opened

that book, I was like, whoa! Word party!

After we had picked the bullets out of the wall, we went downstairs to perform the traditional

father-meets-date ritual.

“So … Josh. How’s school?” inquired Jim.

“Good.”

“Hmmm. Uh are you into sports at all?”

“No. Do you mind if I take my false teeth out? It’s hard to speak with them in.” He popped them out

and bared his sharp, pointy fangs. I could see Jim’s blood rushing in terror to Jim’s right leg—the farthest

place from Josh’s teeth it could go.

“Have you, uh, seen any movies lately?”

“Why would you ask that?” Josh said, calmly wrapping a tourniquet around Jim’s leg. It was now

bulging with blood. Delicious, nutritious blood.

“Well, you know … it’s just one of those questions you ask werewolves. Every werewolf likes movies,

right?” My dad chuckled knowingly.

“That’s a pretty bold generalization to make, Mr. G. Can you hold still for a second?” Josh pulled a

syringe from his pocket and began to extract blood from Jim’s leg.

“I’m not being prejudiced! Believe me, some of my best friends are werewolves.”

“Well, frankly,I’m more of a television guy. Have you ever seenTrue Blood? It’s about vampires. It’s

entertaining, but not very realistic. I mean, a synthetic blood that satisfies vampires? Come on! You need

the real thing. Preferably from a teenage girl. All right, Belle—you ready?”

“Yep!” I stood up, showing off the smooth pleats in my cast. I began to spin around gracefully, but once

I started it was hard to stop. I felt like a figure skater—both in my grace and my desire to throw up.

Josh finally grabbed my shoulders to stop me. “Stop, Belle. That will do.”

I smiled back at him and looked deep into his giant soulless vampire pupils. He glanced coldly into mine.

“Now I know why they call you Belle,” he said softly. “Did you know Belle means beautiful in Spanish?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re thinking of Fr—” 

“Shhhh,” said Josh, effectively shushing me, “Let Josh do the talking from now on.”

He was so charming.

“I’ll have your stupid daughter back by midnight, Mr. G,” he said. “You can have this back.” He threw

the syringe of blood back at him, “I think I’m all set.”

“You wanna come over for the Seahawks game on Sunday?” Jim asked. Jim was lonely. He really

didn’t have a lot of friends besides that wheelchair guy.

“I’m all set, Mr. G. Football games are usually during the day, and you know…” he said, sheepishly

gesturing towards his skin and making sparkle motions with his hands.

“I don’t understand. My other werewolf friend watches football all the time.”

“Okay, bye Dad!” I called.

Josh steered me out the door towards his black limousine. Before he shoved me in, he looked me up

and down. “Hey Belle, do you know what your volume is?”

“What?” I replied, trying to think if a sphere or a cylinder were a better representation of my body type.

“Like how much blood you have in your body.”

“I … I don’t know. First I’d have to figure out what my radius is, Josh.” I had decided that cylinder

worked best because of the flat surface of my skull.

On our way to the prom, Josh insisted on giving me a driving lesson. He propped his feet up on the

dashboard and shouted “Gas!” or “Break!” at me as I manned the pedals below the driver’s seat. He

was such a controlling driver—not once did he let me improvise. I couldn’t even control the radio from

where I sat cramped on the ground. Josh blared his techno vampire songs. None of them were Schubert.

Since the theme was a Fancy Venetian Masquerade, you would think the prom would be better

decorated—there were a couple of black streamers and one overly inflated black balloon. But then I told

myself to be more open-minded. Most craft and party stores close before sundown. If a vampire went in

daylight, he would look like he was stealing a lot of glitter by rubbing it all over his body. What a mess

that would be, legally.

“I hope you don’t find the costumes boring,” Josh said apologetically, as we walked through the

gymnasium to get to the photographer. “The prom committee picked a pretty unimaginative theme in

terms of costumes this year. Looks like everyone decided to be human—there’s a huge

human-romance-novel phenomenon going on in the vampire world right now. You should have seen the

costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their Street Ho’s; CEOs and their Office Ho’s; GI

Joes and their Combat Ho’s; Gardeners and their Garden Hoes; Firemen and their Fire Hose … If you

ask me, a ‘masquerade’ theme isn’t flattering for anyone’s features, nor does it define the appropriate

gender roles very clearly.”

“It’s brilliant,” I said, but a little part of me wished I had Edwart by my side instead of this breathtakingly

beautiful vampire. Someone who would always be there to look more awkward than me. Josh and I paused to take a prom photo. It came out beautifully, even though it looked like my date was

just a bunch of clothes hanging in the air. Still, the light caught the silken fibers of his suspended tie

magnificently.

As we walked towards the punch bowl, I couldn’t help but think that Josh was ashamed to have me as

his date. Maybe it was the way he kept mouthing “She’s not with me,” at passersby. I don’t know. I

have trouble understanding boys’ signals sometimes. As the saying goes, boys are from Mars and girls

are from a completely normal planet.

When all of the vampires broke into a choreographed dance, I sank deeper into a feeling of alienation.

When did they all find time to practice together? The zombie-style dance was actually pretty good, but I

think many of the moves were heavily influenced by a certain video by a certain immortalized King of

Pop—“Black or White.”

I stood by the punch table as the vampires danced through the last verse. There were four bowls

labeled, “AB positive,” “O negative,” “AB negative,” and “Grab Bag.”

“I’ll have an AB positive,” I told Josh when he returned from the dance floor. “What’s it made of?

Apples and Bananas?”

“It’s made of blood, Belle. You know this is blood, right?”

“Oh, of course. I was just joking,” I replied, sipping from my cup in horror. I was really going to have to

commit to this.

As I nursed my blood cup, Josh introduced me to his friends, Levi and Zeke. They gawked at my

costume.

“What are you staring at?” I asked defensively. “At leastI have a costume.”

“Whoa!” said Levi. “Say that again!”

“Say what again?”

“Ha! Did you hear that Zeke? She soundssooo human.”

“Hello,” said Zeke in a deep, even voice. “My name is Human Guy.”

A group of vampires gathered around us, laughing.

“Oooh, let me try let me try!” said one. “Hello. My name is Human Guy.”

They all laughed again.

“Hello,” said Levi. “I am a Human person.”

“Why do humans say it like that?” Zeke said. “Humans always say it like that!”

“Nobody says that!” I told them, but this only made them laugh harder.

“Hello,” said Josh. “My name is Mr. Human Guy.” They were weeping with laughter.

“Josh,”I whispered ferociously. “Aren’t you going todefend me?”

“Come on, Belle—you know how you sound. It’s not your fault,” he added quickly. “It’s an inherent

flaw within your species. I know you can’t help it and will never be able to correct it.” He held my

cast-covered chin in his hand and petted my cast-covered hair. “Be proud of who you are, Belle. Don’t

apologize for your differences. Your quirky, defective differences.”

Just then, someone tapped me on the shoulder.

“Belle!” cried a familiar voice. I spun around to see none other than Lucy!

“Lucy, what are you doing here?”

She laughed maniacally. “Belle, I bought over a dozen prom dresses because you couldn’t tell me which

one was best. I mean, these dresses aren’t just going to wear themselves! This is my fifth prom this

week.”

“But—you don’t even like vampires! I like vampires. This ismy thing. Who even invited you?”

“Levi invited me.” She lowered her voice and spoke directly in my ear. “Belle Goose if you ruin my

chance at being prom queen tonight I will make sure that you live long enough to witness the passing of

your loved ones.” She smiled and trotted away to join Levi on the dance floor.

“Come on, Belle,” said Josh. “This is my favorite song—let’s dance!”

“I really don’t want to dance.”

“Dance with me, Belle,” he growled.

“Seriously Josh? To Green Day? They’ve been aroundforever.”

“Wrong,” he barked. “They’ve only been around for the past twenty proms.”

“What? Twenty proms!”

“Yeah, this is my eighty-sixth prom. I’m immortal, remember?”

“Yeah, I know that, I guess I just never … really … thought this out.” Again, I pined for Edwart.

Edwart, who would never let it slip that he’d been to eighty-six proms because he had no idea who

Green Day was.

“Dance,” Josh commanded.

“You don’t know what you’re asking for,” I warned.

“Justonce,” he ordered.

“Seriously, Josh—I’ve never danced without unwittingly causing a political uprising.”

“Onedance,” he decreed, pulling me onto the dance floor and manipulating me like a puppet using the

pulleys that were still attached to my full-body cast.

“Okay okay—I’ll doone dance.” I did my ironic tap-dance. It’s a complicated routine, but onlookers

will mistake your clumsiness for irony if you raise your eyebrows enough.

As predicted, when I finished there was a revolution.

A mob of outraged vampires swarmed the dance floor, frantically trying to stop the tap-dancing that had

now gotten out of control. One hundred tap-dancing vampires were shoving and kicking each other in

attempts to complete the routine. I slipped away to the wall unharmed as a couple tap-dancers,

aggravated by the oppressive handling of the mob, violently overhauled the speakers, cutting the music.

The gym filled with the din of the crowd’s antics. One vampire dove onto the punch table like it was a

Slip’n Slide while his friends poured the contents of the bowls onto themselves and splashed around.

Another vampire, offended by the splashing, tossed his blood punch into a splasher’s eyes and threw a

superfluous punch. This polarized the vampires into two teams: pro-splashers and anti-splashers.

I waited patiently for the riot to subside, sipping my blood punch in a folding chair in the corner, too

bored to even say I told you so (but not too bored to broadcast it over the PA system).

I saw Lucy being pummeled as she tried to escape the surging masses.

“Watch out!” I shouted, but it was too late. Someone had grabbed her by the dress, loosening a

carefully fixed safety pin on her sleeve.

“Ouch!” she said, examining the prick on her arm. A drop of blood oozed out.

The vampires stopped rioting. They all got really quiet and started to lick their lips, closing in on Lucy. I

started to lick my lips, too, because it’s one of those subconscious, contagious things like sneezing, but

then I stopped because it just isn’t worth it if you forgot to bring ChapStick.

The drop trickled down her arm and onto the floor. Three vampires lunged for it at once. Another drop

trickled down. Three more vampires dove to the floor. That’s when her hemophilia kicked in. The blood

started spurting from her arm like water from a fire hydrant. The vampires held their faces up and opened

their mouths to catch the blood, some twirling around and playing in the crimson torrents like kids on a

hot summer day.

“Prick her!” Lucy cried, pointing at me. “She’s human too! Prick her!”

A few vampires glanced my way. I smiled and waved at them generously. I was their Il Duce, the face of

the revolution.

“Get her!” The vampires cried. Suddenly, I was the most popular girl at the prom. The crowd mobilized

over to my chair and hoisted me up on their shoulders. They started chanting enthusiastically, saying, “Go

humans! More human blood! Bring her to the stage! More human blood! Prick her arm! More human

blood!”

Despite my newfound popularity, I was still quite surprised when they announced over the loudspeaker,

“And tonight’s Prom King and Queen are … Joshua Vampyre and Belle Goose!”

Four vampires set me down on the stage next to Josh before settling back into the audience with a crazed, hungry glint in their eyes.

“I can’t believe I’m Prom Queen!” I whispered excitedly to Josh.

“I know,” he said, wrapping his arm around me. “I can’t believe you’re Prom Queen either. To me,

you’ll always be my Prom Minion.”

I frowned. Suddenly, nothing seemed right. Lucy, trying to escape from a dozen hungry vampires; Josh’s

domineering yet somehow not romantic attitude towards me; our being crowned prom King and Queen

when it obviously should have been given to a different couple—one that had shown more courage—the

gay vampire dancing with his boyfriend in the corner. Despite the disapproving glances, they weren’t

going to let anyone else define their love.

The entire gymnasium was cheering us on. Lucy was pointing at the air above my head, screaming

something. I looked up where she was pointing to gaze at my tiara. I gasped. Angelica’s ominous

epileptic message resounded in my brain:I SEE A ROOM IN CHAPTER TEN. A ROOMFULL OF

VAMPIRES. IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM IS A METAL FOLDING CHAIR … BEWARE OF

THE CROWN .

I ducked in time to narrowly miss the falling fifty-pound dumbbell with a spiky tiara attached. I jumped

off the stage.

“Seize her!” Josh cried oppressively.

I turned to face him. “I’ve had enough of your authoritative commands, Joshua. I’m tired of vampires.”

I ran out of the gymnasium into the clear, cool night air, feeling lost and friendless because, let’s face

it—talking to Jim is like talking to a wall. I had no one to turn to—neither vampire nor human.God, I

need a werewolf friend , I thought as I walked towards the parking lot.

Then, something funny happened. My vision tunneled, and all I could see was a white, pasty light,

glowing on the horizon. I stopped at the top of the stairs leading to the parking lot and steadied myself

with the railing. The light continued to glow as pale as ever, but now two green lights were added

towards the top, and then a goofy, metal-gridded smile.Edwart . I was seeing Edwart. All of my anxiety

and confusion washed away as I realized what I had to do.

First, though, I would need to get down these stairs without hurting myself. With Edwart shining like a

beacon in my mind, I gazed coolly at the fatal obstacle course lying before me on the steps. I had never

felt calmer in my life.

I hopped from one foot to another down the stairs, rolling when necessary as the axes suspended from

seemingly out of nowhere dropped all around me. I was doing it! I was really doing it. I swerved around

a spike that shot up from the ground. It narrowly missed me, poking a hole in my costume instead. As the

clock struck midnight, I could feel my cast cocoon beginning to unravel.Soon I will turn into a pumpkin

. Or was it a helpless maid? A butterfly? In any case, some objective correlative was changing in a way

that implied my character had developed. Most pertinently, in the ability to balance.

But I wasn’t done.

Okay, Pretty Face, I said to myself, gaining encouragement from my self-established nickname,There’s

one more thing you need to fix before this night is through .

9.Invitation

9. INVITATION

Paralyzed with fear, I struggled to remember the rules of fighting I learned from

Cardio Kicks: 1) You go girl! 2) Work it! 3) C’mon, ladies, ten more reps!

None of those rules would work. Josh’s teeth were four inches from my throat and it was only a matter

of time before he halved it, and then his teeth would only be two inches away. Then one inch. Then one-half … one-quarter … one-eighth … one-sixteenth … Suddenly, I remembered Zeno’s paradox. As

long as Josh kept moving towards my throat in half integrals, he could never reach it .

However, he did not move towards me in half integrals—he moved towards me in a single lunge.

Abandoning logic, I settled for my krav maga training, picking up the bench to my left and throwing it at

him. It crumbled upon impact.Of course . All the traditional glass benches in Oregon had recently been

replaced with safety glass benches. Thinking fast, I squatted and jumped high to intimidate Josh with my combat training. But Josh didn’t retreat. Instead, he assumed Warrior One pose. That was my idea! My only idea.

Well, I thought,I could always use those nunchucks I carry with me . I pulled them from my socks and began to swing them above my head. I wondered if they could twirl so much that I would be lifted from the earth, but before I could contemplate where I’d fly, Josh struck me first, hard, in the stomach.

I flew backwards into a gravestone.Thank God I’m not in a ballet studio full of mirrors! I thought with relief. Then I heard the sweetest sound I could imagine: a deep, guttural “meow.” That’s when I knew I was dead. That sound—the only one I wanted to hear—was calling me to the only heaven I wanted to go to: Cat Heaven.

I opened my eyes to see a black cat rubbing gently against my legs. Never mind, I was alive. No wonder I thought it was an angel; the way it purred reminded me of the way Edwart mumbled.

That’s when I decided toreally fight. I jumped up to kick Josh in the butt. I got kind of embarrassed  mid-kick, though, so it ended up being more of a timid toe-tap. His butt cheeks jiggled, unscathed,  sending me backwards into the empty grave he had come out of.

I was staring at the night sky, dazed, when Josh’s head blocked my view of the moon. He swiftly moved forwards, as if to attack, but then stopped. Had my toe-tap sent him the wrong signal? He stood up straight at the edge of the grave, looking down at me. For the first time I noticed how tall he was.

Actually, from where I was sitting, he seemed really, really tall. I like tall guys. The two things I look for in

a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he’s a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or

the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.

“Die!” he growled.

“Help!” I screamed.

“Shhh!” everyone at the burial next to us whispered.

“Sorry,” we said together. He pulled me out of the grave and we continued struggling in silence.

We fought for a while, occasionally forgetting which of us was the human and which was the vampire. At

one point, he was wearing my dress and I was wearing his cape. I was about to bite, but then, for a

second, I thought I saw something redeemable beneath those red eyes and that cape and that face made

pale by white powder.

“Are you the boy who readsRomeo and Juliet every day at lunch?” I asked suddenly.

“No, Belle. Jeez Louise! I sit at the table behind you and your friends, with all my brothers and sisters.”

I thought back to the tables in the cafeteria: Edwart’s table, Jocks, Populars (my table), Arty Kids, Vampires. He must have sat at the last one.

Seeing me sit down and open a yearbook to finally sort this out, Josh continued: “Remember that first

day in the cafeteria when we both reached for the cottage cheese at the same time? And then we both

tried to pass it off like we were actually reaching for the fries but really we were just waiting for the other

person to leave so we could get the cottage cheese? Or the second day when I saved you from getting

hit by a car in the school parking lot?”

He spoke like someone from a far, far away time, like middle school. It was so charming! His sentences

were so long, I realized, I could easily run away. I could actually have run away at any point, but something kept me there, even when Josh turned away to yell into the darkness.

“Vicky!” he called. “How is the video going?”

“Got it all on tape!” a small female vampire said, running out from behind a tombstone. She was holding

a camcorder. I could tell she was evil because she had wavy red hair, a weird smile, and she was

wearing a shaggy fur poncho thing.

“I thought this would make a dramatic place for our home movie,” Josh gestured to the graveyard.

“How would you like to be a movie star?” he asked me menacingly.

Before I could answer, Vicky rushed over to fix my hair and apply glue-in fangs in my mouth.

“What movie?” I asked incredulously. I hadn’t signed any release. My fight moves were copyrighted.

“It’s called ‘A Day in the Life of Josh and Vicky!’” Vicky said. “We started filming this morning when

we woke up, and we continued throughout the day. It’s been really fun, especially when I filmed Josh

doing his homework.”

I made a home movie once, right before I left Phoenix forever. I dressed up and danced in the ballet

outfit I used to wear when I was a toddler. My mom loved it.

“I have an idea,” Vicky continued. “Belle, why don’t you say something on tape? How about ‘Great to

meet you, Josh and Vicky! Thanks for not eating me!’”

Vicky held up the camera. I looked from vampire to vampire. I gulped, swallowing a bug. It felt like my

knees were missing.

“Memories are so important, don’t you think?” Vicky said.

I said my line quickly to cover up my mispronunciation of the difficult foreign word “to.” I know it’s

either pronounced like “two” or “too” but I always forget which one.

“Now kiss!” Vicky whispered. The camera was still rolling.

Josh closed his eyes and puckered his lips. He leaned forwards. Only a few minutes ago, he wanted to kill me, which I guess was fair, because I wanted to gouge him in the armpit. Still, some of his sharp teeth were popping out of his puckered lips, and I was wary. What if my acting was bad?

Then I remembered that I am a great actress. I closed my eyes and leaned in. We kissed. I didn’t feel

anything, though, because it was all part of a day’s work by that point. It occurred to me that kissing was the least productive part of human courtship and not very sanitary, either. That’s how desensitized acting

had made me.

“Okay, great!” Vicky said, shutting off the camera. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning for “The Next Day in

the Life of Josh and Vicky!’” she shouted, disappearing into a nearby grave.

Yes, I decided.She’s evil .

My lips were bleeding a little, so I hastily wiped them off. What would I tell my dad? I decided I would

tell him I picked at them to make them red, just like I used to before I was old enough to wear lipstick.

Josh was looking at me with hungry eyes.

“Man, it rains a lot here!” I said to fill the silence. “Likeso much . So … ah … should we keep fighting

or what?”

Josh lunged forwards and pressed his lips to mine again. I resisted a little bit at first, to make it seem like

I was that kind of girl—the kind of girl who doesn’t like vampires—but then he “French-kissed” me.So

weird! I had heard about this before, but nothing could have prepared me for such a strange feeling.

Even after he removed his nose from my armpit, I still felt a slight tingling sensation.

“So is it awkward if I ask what our status is?” I asked quickly. Not that I cared either way. I just wanted

toknow , you know?

“Not at all. We’re a couple now.”

Hmm. I wondered how I’d express that on Facebook. I’d have to change it from what it was before:

“It’s complicated with a vampire.” But then I realized that worked pretty well with the new scenario.

“Want to come to the vampire prom with me tonight?” Josh asked.

I remembered my last prom: the stupid pre-prom photos, the ugly pink dresses, the tacky disco ball, the

gunshots, the 911 calls, the national media coverage, and the lame cover band.

“Of course!” I said.

“Great, because I already got you a ticket.”

“Oh wait,” I said, suddenly remembering the boy who had flailed away just minutes ago. “I think I might

already be going with someone …”

“Another vampire?”

“No. I thought so, but no.”

Remembering Edwart I felt angry, and a little silly. I should have known he wasn’t a vampire. He failed

to meet the three telltale criteria for vampirism: speaking in an old-timey way, being pompous, and having

sparkly skin.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter,” Josh said. “We vampires have a separate school prom in winter instead

of spring. Coincidentally at a time most inconvenient for outdoor photos.” He sneered. “Separate but

equal my ass.” I shook my head in sympathy. I had never realized that being a vampire made you different, but not in a

nice Dr. Seuss kind of way in which you have a star on your belly.

We sat down to snuggle in front of a tomb.

“Josh,” I asked. “How did you become a vampire?”

“I fought Dracula. I nearly killed him, too, only I felt bad when he told me that I was his only friend, and

that was the reason he’d kept me in his dungeon for five years. He bit me right when I turned to go back

to my dungeon. What a trickster! Very loyal once you’ve known him for a few centuries, though.”

“You know Dracula?!” I yelled. “That’s so cool!”

I imagined what I’d do if I ever met Dracula. I’d probably say, “I’m Belle Goose, girl of the vampires,”

and he would bow down and nip my feet.

“Well, Belle,” Josh said. “I’m a pretty cool guy.”

“What was Dracula like?”

“Fang-ed. Bat-like.”

Wow. Dating Josh would lead me to all sorts of opportunities. Maybe he knew the Swamp Thing too.

“I’ll take you to your house before we go to the prom,” Josh said, standing up and brushing off his cape.

“You’ll probably want to put some makeup on or something. Wash your face a few times.”

I blushed. I hadn’t realized my tempting blood smell was coming from my nose pores.

We held hands as we walked towards the exit. Josh’s hand was cold, but not in the clammy sweaty way

I was used to.Edwart , I thought with a sigh.Edwart, Edwart . Where did I know that name from?

“Wait here, beautiful,” Josh said once we exited the cemetery gate. “I’m going to bring the car around.”

A few minutes later he came to a rolling stop by the curb. “Get in,” he said ferociously.

Okay. I thought.That was a little rude . But I didn’t say anything, not then, and not even when he

hopped out, blindfolded me and tied my arms together.

“It’s for your own good, clumsy,”

It was hard for me to argue with that, especially as I was falling into the car.

He buckled my seatbelt. A few minutes later, I was surprised to feel the car move so slowly and

responsibly under Josh’s control. But, then again, he had been driving since the invention of cars.

We stopped. “Here’s the plan: you’re going to go upstairs and clean yourself up and get rid of that

human smell,” Josh said. I was still blindfolded, but I assumed we were at my house, or some other place

that had an upstairs. “I am going to smooth-talk your Dad.” He took off my blindfold. I stumbled towards my door, but he stopped me mid-step and put down his cape for me to walk on so my shoes wouldn’t get dirty from the pavement. I thanked him, gingerly stepping on the red satin lining. He quickly lifted up the corners, bagging me, and carried me to the door.

“What would you do without me, Belle?” he asked, inserting a tracking device in my ear.

His behavior was unusual, but I had never dated a vampire before. Besides, who could blame Josh for

being possessive? I was special—a girl who would one day be on a talk show saying: “Yes, Diane, my

childhoodwas difficult.”

Shrugging, I reached in my purse for my key, which turned out to not be necessary. Josh melted a hole

in the door and tossed me through it.

“Move, move, move!” he yelled. “We’ve got a vampire prom to get to!”

8.The Cemetry

8. THE CEMETERY

We walked together, our pointer fingers romantically linked. The cemetery loomed

ahead of us covered in a dark haze of night, lit only by a sliver of moon. Twilight! I mean, Nightlight!

I could feel the excitement bubbling up inside of me. Yes, my romantic conquest was finally coming to

fruition. I would prove to Edwart that I was eligible to become a vampire by bringing him to a place that

sort of tangentially has to do with vampires. It was a flawless plan.

Boy, would Mom and Dad be surprised! And the people in Phoenix! By the end of the night, not only

would I be a vampire, but I wouldfinally have my upper-ear pierced. Before Edwart bit me, I was going

to ask him to squeeze my hand tightly and stick a fang through the cartilage of my left ear. I hoped he had

brought a hypoallergenic stud-earring with him. I wondered what people at school would think when they

saw the New Me. They would think:Ahhh! Vampire! Stake her!

But as we neared the gate, Edwart began to grow uneasy, my first clue that something was terribly

wrong. Our pace had slowed to a crawl, and as I looked at him I began to realize that even his walk had

become abnormal. He was lurching awkwardly and holding his stomach with an odd expression on his

face—the expression of a bat, lurching through a cemetery on its haunches. To be honest, that’s what

most of Edwart’s expressions reminded me of.

“What’s wrong, Edwart?” I asked.

“Do we have to go through the cemetery? It’s my meds. I’ve been off them for two days now, and

anything that causes fear makes me nauseated. Actually, anything that causes emotion makes me

nauseated.”

Why would fear be a problem?I wondered. We were going to a cemetery, the Chuck E. Cheese’s of vampires! But I knew I had to play the caring girlfriend.

“Let’s find a place where you can lie down,” I said maternally but also seductively. I took his hand and

pulled him through the gate, but he grabbed one of the gate’s bars and clung stubbornly. I pried his

fingers off, one by one, as he whimpered. Finally, using all my weight, I was able to push him through the

gate. We had entered the cemetery, or, as I assumed vampires call it, the ce-marry-me-tery. (I later

found out that, in fact, they call it a cemetery.)

As Edwart talked about something (Who ever knew what he was talking about? Who ever listened? He

was adorable, though), I swung our clasped hands a little, placing my other hand over his mouth

affectionately. I imaged what I would be like after the transformation took place. I could probably wear

leggings as pants every day, and no one would say anything because they would be afraid I’d bite them.

What would my special name be? Probably Alice, because that is a vampire-sounding name. What

would my special power be? Probably the power to drink blood without a chaser.

The mood was perfect. Veiled in dim light, the cemetery seemed to cry out, “Suck your girlfriend’s

blood! She’s ready! She’s targeted! You don’t need to exertany energy—all you need to do is open

your mouth and she can run into your tooth if you’re tired.” As soon as I realized that I was screaming

this in Edwart’s ear, I stopped and politely apologized, stepping away to give him personal space.

After one last nervous glance at the gravestones, he pulled me close. “Don’t. Leave. My. Side,” he

quavered, hanging onto my arm and burying his head below my shoulder. It felt natural.

I surveyed my surroundings and mentally formulated a description of them. Grave after grave poked up

from the grass. It was like a formation of grave-soldiers, lined up in a grave phalanx of grave-like

proportions. A grave sight indeed. I think there were also some trees and stuff.

As we walked along the winding paths, I had a thought. It was a little thought, spoken by a little internal

voice, like the one that asks if you are afraid of it and you say no and it saysifyou ever try to get rid of

me you will live to regret it . My though was this: What if I became an incredibly bloodthirsty vampire?

What if that was the sole reason Edwart hadn’t bitten me, thereby destroying my soul? What if when his

mom had offered me peach cobbler, I shouldn’t have eaten piece after piece until there was none left

while his family watched with hungry eyes? Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten all the hotdogs, either. But I

wasn’t about to rudely let all that human food go to waste. I still don’t know why, after making a plate of

food for me, Eva served the members of her vampire family as well. That was awfully presumptive. What

if I didn’t feel like walking around the table, piling their food onto my plate?

“Edwart,” I said, deciding it was time to be direct. “If I were a vampire, I would have no trouble

resisting people’s blood—even Lucy’s. I know I told you that if I ever became a vampire the first thing I

would do is invite Lucy to an action movie in a dark, deserted theater, but I was joking. In all

seriousness, the first thing I would do is bite a beautiful rhododendron, and win a Nobel Prize for

engineering immortal flora that could survive even in deserts.”

“Belle,” he said, taking both my hands. “If we don’t sit down, I will barf something up. I’m not sure what

because I did not eat anything other than orange soda today, but it could be anything from my kidney to

my other kidney.”

“Okay.”

After twenty more minutes of moonlit stroll, we settled down on the most comfortable-looking grave I

could find, which happened to be covered in plush leather. “James C. ‘Leather-King’ Murphy, 1906–1975, King of Leather and Also Owner of a Leather Store,” it said.

We settled down and began to enjoy the romance of each other, almost like a warm glow inside of us.

This is the way married grownups feel all the time.

“Edwart,” I said. “I am so grateful to be here with you. Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, Belle. Much better.”

I smiled to myself, and my future vampire-self. I was happy, remembering how embarrassed I was for

this girl at 8th grade graduation because her dad was much older than all the other dads. Edwart and I

would never get old. I began to reapply my grapefruit perfume so my blood wouldn’t have an

unshowered-for-weeks taste when he bit me.

“What’s that smell? Is it grapefruit?” Edwart asked. I was surprised that he hadn’t lost his memory about

human food, the way most vampires do. But, at the same time, I wasn’t surprised: it really smelled a lot

like grapefruit.

“Don’t you just love being among all these dead people?” I asked, gesturing to the surroundings.

“Well, to be honest, I actually think that part is a little weird. I would like nothing better than to leave this

cemetery, make sure you get home safely, and then curl up in my bed with a tall glass of diluted ginger

ale.”

How sweet of him, to say something that didn’t make sense for a vampire to say. I casually thrust my

neck towards him, bathing it in the moonlight.

“Is your neck OK?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Is it? What do you think, Edwart?” I massaged it suggestively, suggesting that I had slept

on a pile of coals.

“Does it hurt?” he asked.

I had to think fast. Did he want for it to hurt? Was that some kind of weird vampire thing where they

prefer to bite necks that hurt, the way my mother had always told me that the way you know a piece of

fruit is ripe is that it looks like it hurts?

“Um, y-yes,” I stammered, silently thanking the forces that be for the improv class I took last summer.

“It hurts. It hurts terribly.”

Then something magical happened. Edwart poked my neck. Fire rushed through my entire body. I

grabbed his finger, intoxicated by its caress, and gasped for air like a fish out of water gasps for less air.

He patted my neck a few times. I wondered if he was putting alcohol on it, the way doctors do before

giving you shots.

“How does that feel?” he asked.

“Like, happy.” The truth was, it felt completely indescribable. A patch of blackberries—that’s how I

would describe it.

“Okay, great!” he said, and stopped.” That was quick!”

“Oh, um, you know what?” I said, improvising again. “It hurts again. Worse. Much, much worse. Say! I

have an idea! You couldbite me , and thenI would never feel pain again.”

He gave me a look like I was crazy-crazy in love—just as the ground began to shake violently.

“What’s happening? Is this part of the transformation process?” I asked, a little unnerved.

“An earthquake?” Edwart suggested with the coldly calculating reasoning of a vampire.

Suddenly the ground split open beneath us, cracking the tombstone in half, and from the grave emerged

a figure with bloodstained fangs and a black cape whose tall, curved collar was neatly pressed down in

obvious defiance of the current trends.

“Are y-y-you … the Leather King?” I managed to ask.

“No,” said the figure. “You seriously don’t recognize me?”

I looked at him closely: the pale face, the cape, the red eyes, the ridiculously large fangs. I couldn’t place

him.

“Um, do I know you from work?” I strained to remember if he was one of my co-workers. I strained to

remember if I had a job.

“Goodness gravy, Belle—I sit next to you everyday in English!”

“I’m sorry—every face at school kind of blends into one conglomerate dull face except for the face of

Edwart Mullen, the love of my life.”

He clapped his hands slowly, sinisterly. “Well congratulations toyou two,” he said. “I hope you have a

really happy life forever and ever in your sweet little house behind a neatly mowed lawn. What you two

have is special—you know that?Really special. We’re allvery jealous of your overwhelming love for one

another.”

“Thank you.”

“To get on with my point, I’m Joshua. A Vampire. I don’t mean to be rude, but you two are trespassing

on my grave property right now. I’m truly sorry about all this Belle—honestly I think you’re very

attractive, even though you don’t wear makeup or pay attention to the fashions. To make a confession, I

had every intention of asking you to prom the first week of school. But now I’m going to have to take

your lives, unfortunately, to nourish myself.”

I balked. Another vampire? I guess it made sense; the states of the Pacific Northwest were known for

their lenient monster laws.

Next to me, Edwart screamed and covered his eyes, likely visualizing his triumph over this flamboyantly

costumed vampire. I relaxed, comfortably settling into the gravestone, ready to watch what every girl

hopes to experience once: a real-life vampire fight.

“Not so fast, Josh,” I said from my seat. “Cut him up into little bits and burn them, Edwart!”

“What?Why would I do that? Why would I everever do that?” he pondered and then gave me a sharp

look. “No! I am not pondering that, Belle! I am hysterically yelling right now. I am experiencing the

greatest fear I have ever felt in my life.”

Edwart was visibly shaking—I think that happens when vegetarian vampires haven’t eaten a bear in a

while or something.

“Edwart, we don’t have time to have another DTR talk right now. There’sanother vampire now, and I

don’t think he’s familiar with Peter Singer’sThe Ethics of What We Eat.”

“Anothervampire?” he looked behind his shoulder. “Where’s the first?” he quavered, most likely from

hunger. He gave me another sharp look. “NO! Stop that! I am not quavering from hunger! That doesn’t

even make sense.”

“Come on, Edwart,” I cajoled. “He’s a vampire, you’re a vampire: get to work!”

“Stop, Belle! This is serious—this is not a good time to role-play.”

“Role-play?”

“Yeah, role-play. Like that time we role-played that I could lift Tom Newt’s car, or when we

role-played that I could reach speeds of up to a hundred mph. Or the one where I had to wear vampire

teeth and tell you how much I wanted to drain out all your blood when I first laid eyes on you.” He froze.

“Whoa. Some of this stuff is starting to come together.”

I turned to Joshua, signaling that we needed some time to work this out.

“You know what?” Joshua said. “Even though I am a real vampire, which means by nature I am aloof

and hot-tempered, I will give you guys some time. Don’t mind me—I’ll stand right here, silently seething

and flashing my eyes.”

“So all this time you thought I was avampire?” Edwart whispered furiously, pulling me a few inches to

the left.

“Sure,” I said, “you know, the lion falls for the lamb …”

“What?”

“Sorry. It’s easier for me if I explain things in animal terms.”

“So you thought I was a … lamb?”

“No, a lion. Or, you know, you’re the shark and I’m the seal.”

He stared at me blankly.

“Okay,” I tried again. “You’re the giraffe and I’m the leaf.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” he asked quietly.

“Of course not,” I said tenderly. “Only if you’re not a vampire.”

“But I’m not a vampire.”

“But … you are kind of a control freak. In a vampire way.”

“Youmade me boss you around! And while we’re being honest, you’re my first girlfriend, and before I

met you I was doubtful that I had the requisite mouth muscles to speak aloud.”

I felt my entire monster-hierarchy, with Edwart Vampires at the top, realigning dramatically. “But what

about the time that we were talking about different kinds of blood and you kept talking about how each

one has its own unique merits, just like different types of wine you said, and then you went on like a

fifteen-minute rant about blood homogenization, and then you went into that elaborate mnemonic about

the various steps to take while drinking blood? You know, the five S’s: suck, sip, swirl … swirl again …

and then…”

“Simmer.”

“Yeah, simmer.”

“Wasn’t there another one?”

“I think so—I have it written down on some little cards at home.”

“So then how are you not a vampire?” I asked, purposefully not inflecting my voice at the end of my

question for a lawyer effect.

“Belle, I’m … I’m sorry. I’m not a vampire. I’m only amoderate blood drinker. I like my hamburgers

medium-rare.”

“Okay, we all set?” asked Josh, tossing another shriveled mole onto a pile.How civilized , I thought, to

have a designated place for appetizer-refuse, just like a good host providing a bowl to put shrimp tails in.

“I guess so,” I said. “Get him, Edwart!”

“No Belle—I can’t fight a monster! I will never live up to your abnormal and perverse fantasies!”

That hurt. Plenty of teenage girls wished their boyfriends were vampires. Durkheim would blame the

values of society for this. I pretty much agreed the problem came from some other place external to my

brain.

“I’m getting the hell out of here!” Edwart said, beginning to back away. “If you love me, let’s go!”

“But Edwart!” I called after him. “We have to defeat this vampire! Are you just going to leave me alone

here with him?”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

Well that proved it. A real vampire would have been sucking my blood as he said this. I watched as

Edwart disappeared into the fog, this time not in a magical way but in a loud, falling way, signifying that he

had tripped over a gravestone. Josh and I watched as he reappeared, hurdling over the gravestones as he jogged. Each time he fell, he screamed, looked back over his shoulder at us, and clambered up to his pigeon-toed feet.

Josh and I sat there, an awkward silence quickly setting in. I took out my little Edwart-keepsake knapsack. I hated to do this in front of a stranger, but I needed some release. Determinedly, I began to burn the items one-by-one: my biology lab report, my stuffed Dracula, some firewood I chopped during

our hiking trip, the chunk of hair I pulled from that waitress at Buca di Beppo. I felt better after that.

“Hmm,” I said cheerfully, “should we tell ghost stories?”

“I’m not sure you’re aware of the peril of your situation, Belle. You see—I am a hungry, amoral

vampire, and you are a vulnerable, blood-filled mortal girl. Nonetheless, I would like to share with you

one ghost story. I call this story,‘The Tale of the Long Ago Locket,’” Josh said in a shaky ghost voice.

I had definitely heard that story before. I hummed to keep myself from falling asleep.

“What’s the matter?” asked Josh. “Aren’t you interested? It’s areally scary story.”

“I know it is. I saw it on an episode ofAre You Afraid of the Dark?”

Josh glowered at me. “Most sad,” he said. “It’s too bad you know so much about ghost stories. Tell me,

do you know what a mortal girl’s best means of survival is when a vampire advances?” he asked,

advancing.

I yawned. “Yeah, I think I’ve seen that episode too.”

He leaned in close. “Run. The answer is,run,” he said, crouching down into pre-pounce position.

Suddenly, I panicked, rolling out of post-pounce position. This was wrong, all wrong! I was supposed

to be bitten by Edwart and become a vampire myself! I wasn’t supposed to be bitten by some strange

vampire and die! Everyone knows there is a fine, finicky line between eternal-life-as-vampire v.

death-as-a-human.

“I hope you like dying.” Josh spoke calmly and confidently, like the way you might speak to your

mashed potatoes.

As he took another step towards me, out of the corner of my eye I saw Edwart, bruised and battered

after finally surpassing all those gravestones, fleeing out of the gate as Joshua leaned in to bite.

7.The Mullens

7. THE MULLENS

The eggshell colored dawn woke me with its gentleness. My right leg was in my left

armpit. Stuffed Dracula was tucked under my arm comfortingly. Ah, the beginning of another chapter .

I groggily sat up and involuntarily let out a bloodcurdling scream. There was a vampire in my room! And

he was screaming, too.

“What’s that on your face?” Edwart shrieked.

“What? What?” I put my fingers to my cheek and felt something sticky. “Oh, that’s just my night

moisturizing mask.” The mask made me look like a warrior, bravely fighting facial dryness.

I could see from Edwart’s expression that he was trying to understand. So I wouldn’t be embarrassed,

he bent down and took some mud from the bottom of his sneaker and smeared it on his face. He smiled

at me.So sweet , I thought. He howled furiously, gnashing his teeth in anger as he wiped the mud out of

his eyes.So romantic , I thought.

“How did you get in here?” I asked when he was done flailing.

“I told your dad we had to work on a science project,” he said.

“Now? In the morning?” “It’s one p.m., Belle.”

I remembered that last night I had slept with my head on the floor and my legs on the bed, to prepare for

my inevitable life as a bat. At about five a.m. I gave up and slept in a position more fitting to my second

career option: Vampire Yoga instructor.

I looked at him suspiciously, through my magnifying glass. “Have you been coming here in secret, night

after night, to watch me sleep?”

“No! No! Of course not! That would be so weird! I’ve only been here a few minutes.” Then he added

quietly, “You look pretty when you sleep.”

I blushed. My moisturizing mask came with beauty mark stickers, which I had arranged artfully on my

face.

“Thanks. Did I … do or say anything?” I asked. I was a known sleep-biter, which was a problem at

summer camp, and probably why I liked Edwart. I was also a known sleep-talker. I hoped I hadn’t

revealed anything embarrassing, like the fact that sometimes I fall down.

“You said my name,” he said with a little smile.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Well, it was either that or ‘Edwin,’ but why would you say ‘Edwin?’” he laughed.

Suddenly last night’s dream came to me. It was about the one person I’d like to have dinner with, living

or dead: U.S. Secretary of War under Lincoln, Edwin Stanton.

“Yeah … weird!” I said guiltily as I got out of bed and went over to the mirror above my desk. My hair

looked like a tangled, puffy mess. I decided to leave it. Very Retro 80s chic. “So, what are we going to

do today, Edwart?”

“After the science project, you mean?”

“But I thought you made that up so that you could bypass my dad’s background check into whether you

are good enough to date me?”

“Oh, he still checked me,” Edwart said with a shiver. “First he washed me vertically with one side of his

wiper. Then he dried me horizontally with the other side of his wiper.” He shrugged. “I’d do the same for

my daughter. Anyway, you’re right, there is no science project,” he continued. “But have you ever made

your own volcano? You build a mount of dirt with a hole in it and then you mix red food coloring,

vinegar, and baking soda and pour it in the hole and it actually explodes! It’s so awesome.”

We made two volcanoes, so they could race each other. Edwart kept screaming “Oh my God so cool

so cool!” even as we were gathering dirt. After we were finished cleaning up the kitchen, Edwart sat in

Jim’s chair. It was weird to see him sitting where Jim had been sitting just a few hours earlier, and where,

centuries earlier, Native American werewolves would have lived.

“So my mom really wants to meet you,” Edwart said. “We refer to you as ‘Bellerific.’ My mom and I

have tons of inside jokes like that.”

“I’d love to! But … will she like me?” I asked, just for show, because parents always like me.

“Of course!” he said. “She just wants me to be happy. She wouldn’t care if you were in a coma, or even

severely deformed.”

I thought of my tendency to sleep a lot and my right leg, which is slightly longer than my left. So, Edwart

had noticed my inadequacies.

“Yes, well, take my right leg or leave it,” I said peevishly.“Many boys at school like me.”

He looked down at the ground, down towards my freak leg. I could tell by the way he was silent and

rubbed his head that he accepted me and my leg just the way it was.

“Do you want to go over now?” he asked after a few minutes of silent contemplation, probably about

how lucky he was to be dating a normal human.

I figured that if what Edwart said about his parents was true, they wouldn’t care if I was still wearing my

onesie pajamas.

Edwart liked to drive my U-HAUL. I think this was because there was plenty of room for the large

rolling backpack he carried around with him everywhere. We drove down to the end of my street, past

Last Chance Batteries, past No Return Videos, and past This Is Absolutely The End Books. Edwart got

on the highway and drove by several exits. I started getting impatient. I was finally about to ask him if he

liked me for me or for my paper cuts when Edwart turned the truck around.

“This is such a fun car!” he exclaimed, honking at the drivers near us. Suddenly, a large Safeway truck

came up in the next lane. It blew its horn in response.

“Uh oh,” Edwart said. “He’s too big for us.” Edwart put his foot down on the gas and we zoomed back

towards Switchblade.

“That was dangerous, right?” Edwart asked me nervously. “I’m dangerous, right?”

“Of course, Edwart,” I said, thinking less about his driving and more about his teeth ripping through my

skin.

A few minutes later we pulled into the driveway of a house a couple blocks from mine, but on the

wealthy-vampire side of town.

“Well, we’re here,” Edwart said, getting out and slapping the side of the U-HAUL, “You and me,” he

said, pressing his face to the truck at the level of the lumberjack’s ankle. “We’ll beat ‘em every time.”

As soon as we were inside, Edwart’s family rushed to greet me. What seemed like thirty people circled

me, chattering away.

“Oh my god, you smell good.”

“Good smell, good smell.”

“(She really does smell good.)”

“Do you mind if I put my nose right on you? Right on your arm?”

“More smelly smelly please.”

“If I could destroy every part of my brain except the part that smelled your smell, I would do it. I would

do it in a second.”

“Let’s go, Belle,” Edwart whispered and grabbed my hand. We pushed through the ravenous vampires

and out the front door.

“So that went well!” I said outside in the U-HAUL. I sniffed my hair. Idid smell good.

“No, no, that wasn’t my house,” Edwart said, starting the truck. “I don’t know even know those people!

Sometimes I get addresses confused.”

We drove to a bigger mansion. As we walked up to its porch, I noticed that the house wasn’t cleverly

camouflaged with the woods behind it, like I first thought—it was made entirely of glass. I looked around

in shock. The walkway was glass, the mailbox was glass, and the welcome mat was glass. I decided not

to wipe my feet.

“Our house is clear. We don’t keep any secrets,” Edwart explained. “Anyone can look in at any time

and see what we’re doing.”

I imagined Edwart’s family sitting in the living room, drinking blood cocktails.

“Do your neighbors say anything?” I asked.

“Well, they keep their blinds down. They say it’s ‘indecent,’ but my dad is such a good plastic surgeon

that no one really cares.”

Edwart’s dad, Dr. Claudius Mullen, opened the door when we rang. Claudius was well respected in

Switchblade for his Angelina Jolie lips. People say he operated on himself for hours. I had to admit, the

result was stunning.

Eva Mullen, Edwart’s mom, came running up behind him.

“Edwart, my darling!” she cried.

“Mom, meet Belle.”

“Oh you’re lovely! Much lovelier than I thought. Edwart’s so weird, you know.”

Trust me. I thought.I know .

“You look like a 1920s movie star!” I blurted. Early horror films were my favorite.

“Thank you, Belle,” Dr. Mullen said. “It’s my work. The eyes, of course, are hers. The heart is a

transplant.”

Sothat’s why vampires are so beautiful. And cruel.

“Pleased to meet you,” I said, imagining how good they’d all look in our wedding photos. For a minute I

felt worried thinking of the joint-family pictures, but then I thought, it won’t be a problem; I’ll ask Jim to

be the photographer.

“And that’s not all the work I’ve done on this family,” Dr. Mullen continued. “You see Edwart’s

handsome forehead?”

“Dad!”Edwart whined.

The Mullens were silent.

I suddenly felt awkward, like I didn’t know what to do with my thumbs. So I took out my phone and

texted “sup?” to Lucy. I wondered if she had my number, or if the random set of digits I guessed was her

number.

When I looked up, Eva and Claudius were also texting.

I glanced around the room for something to compliment when it came time to communicate by speaking

again. I was just about to remark on an exquisite electrical outlet in the corner, when I noticed the grand

piano.

“Nice piano,” I said, imagining how good it would look in wedding photos, provided that Jim wasn’t

lurking in the background. “Do you play?”

“Oh no,” Eva Mullen said, “But Edwart does!”

“A little,” Edwart said, sheepishly.

“Go ahead, play!” Eva said. She picked up the triangle that was lying on the piano and handed it to

Edwart. He started banging on it. It sounded like construction work very early in the morning.

“Whoops. I messed up. Let me start over,” he said.

He started banging again.

“Wait. Uh. I haven’t practiced in a while. Let me start over.”

Edwart continued to bang the triangle. Eva closed her eyes and raised her arms, swaying rhythmically to

Edwart’s music. Edwart held the triangle up high, in what appeared to be a grand finish, but then he

brought it down hard, hitting the top of the piano. He continued to bang the piano, putting the entire force

of his slim body into each smash. The piano shook. The room vibrated.

When he was finished I subtly removed my hands from my ears.

“I wrote that for you,” Edwart murmured, drawing me close. “It’s called Belle’s Lullaby.”

“I’ll listen to it every night!” I said. With the sound turned all the way down, it would be lovely. This was

the third lullaby that had been written for me, counting the one by Carter Burwell.

After dinner, Edwart took me upstairs to see his room. At the top of the stairs was a giant wooden

cross.

“Ironic, huh?” Edwart said.

“Why?” I asked with trepidation, imagining that, at any second, Edwart would turn into dust, which I

would then sweep up and disperse over my furniture so he would always be with me.

“Because we’re Jewish, of course—nonpracticing.”

Three of the four walls (the fourth was glass) in Edwart’s room were covered with CDs. Rows and rows

of CDs, and I didn’t recognize a single one.

“Oh!” I exclaimed, thinking I saw one I knew. “No, no, not it.”

I kept walking.

“Oh here’s—no.”

I turned to the next wall.

“Wait! No …”

I figured I should read a couple labels, instead of only look at side-album art. That’s when I realized they

were all recordings of Edwart’s music—triangle, and some recorder.

“Eva sings on my CDs,” he said with a smile. “Wanna hear? C’mon, we can dance!”

“No!” I shouted. “I will NOT dance.”

Edwart looked frightened. Probably because the last time I danced, I caused a fire in the cafeteria. Soon

the whole city had erupted into riots—few could handle the radical illusion of my moonwalking feet. Half

believed I was a witch.

“Not yet, at least,” I added. Soon my time would come. The revolution could wait.

“Okay, well, let’s go into my dad’s study. I’ll tell you the story of how he became a plastic surgeon. It

involves hideously deformed creatures!”

Edwart showed me the “before” and “after” photos of Dr. Mullen’s patients. I assumed the “before”

pictures were taken before he had bitten them, and the “after” pictures were vampire pictures. The

vampires had such straight noses, nice breasts, and expressionless faces. And they were all rich!

“So, how do you make an ‘appointment’ with Dr. Mullen?”

“Why? You’re beautiful, Belle.”

“Yes, yes,” I said quickly. It was just like Edwart to not want me to go through the pain of tooth

transformation. It was absurd; when my wisdom teeth grew in, it didn’t hurt at all!

“No,” he said sternly. “You shouldn’t see him.”

From Edwart’s serious expression, I could tell what he was contemplating: should he do it himself and,

more specifically, should he be chewing gum when he bit me in case he had bad breath. He was probably

wondering if he should spit the gum out first, or keep it in his mouth but kind of under his tongue so I

wouldn’t notice. He was probably wondering if spearmint and blood tasted okay together.

“Enough! Enough!” I said to interrupt his hypothetical thoughts. “Let’s just go back to my house, okay?”

Maybe it would be easier for him to bite me in a different setting. The kitchen, perhaps. With the

aromatic scent of squirrel meat sizzling in the microwave and the hunger-inducing soundtrack of scraping

cutlery.

“Yeah, okay. Can I drop you off a little far away though? I’d rather not see your dad again. I haven’t

thought of any new conversation topics since last time. It won’t come off as natural unless I videotape

myself saying them first.”

I froze.Jim . I had forgotten about that complication. My dad would never let Edwart bite me unless he

planned to share my blood with Claudius and Eva. Jim lived by a categorical set of ethics. Edwart would

have to bite me before I got home.

“How about we walk back?Through the cemetery?” One thing my mom had taught me is that it’s

difficult to refuse requests made in italics. That’s how she’d persuade me to buy rainbow-colored cereal,

week after week.

“Okay,” he said.

“Wait, before we go … Just bite this. For practice.” I outstretched my pallid white arms to him, my

hands together, gently cupping a bright red apple that I had swiped from the fake kitchen downstairs.

Edwart’s hand was steady as he took the tempting fruit. As his mouth opened, I saw his iridescent teeth sparkle. He slowly brought the fruit to his parted lips, beads of saliva forming at the corners of his mouth. He closed his eyes. I opened my heart.

“Hey!” he exclaimed, looking at the still intact fruit and then at my still unpunctured head that rested atop

my still unpunctured neck.

“It’s plastic!” I guffawed, snatching it back. I was nearly crying at the hilarious joke crafted by my

superior sense of humor.

Edwart placed the apple back in a basket of fake fruit, next to a vase of fake flowers, next to the plate

of likely fake bread.

I looked at him lovingly while I attached a small target to my neck.Would he bite when it mattered? I

wondered.Could he bite a moving target? What about a moving target fifty yards away with a

wind speed of thrity-five mph? We left the house and started walking towards the cemetery. If the

desires of my heart and the predictions of my pedometer were correct, I was only 952 steps away from

becoming a blood-sucker.