9. INVITATION
Paralyzed with fear, I struggled to remember the rules of fighting I learned from
Cardio Kicks: 1) You go girl! 2) Work it! 3) C’mon, ladies, ten more reps!
None of those rules would work. Josh’s teeth were four inches from my throat and it was only a matter
of time before he halved it, and then his teeth would only be two inches away. Then one inch. Then one-half … one-quarter … one-eighth … one-sixteenth … Suddenly, I remembered Zeno’s paradox. As
long as Josh kept moving towards my throat in half integrals, he could never reach it .
However, he did not move towards me in half integrals—he moved towards me in a single lunge.
Abandoning logic, I settled for my krav maga training, picking up the bench to my left and throwing it at
him. It crumbled upon impact.Of course . All the traditional glass benches in Oregon
replaced with safety glass benches. Thinking fast, I squatted and jumped high to intimidate Josh with my combat training. But Josh didn’t retreat. Instead, he assumed Warrior One pose. That was my idea! My only idea.
Well, I thought,I could always use those nunchucks I carry with me . I pulled them from my socks and began to swing them above my head. I wondered if they could twirl so much that I would be lifted from the earth, but before I could contemplate where I’d fly, Josh struck me first, hard, in the stomach.
I flew backwards into a gravestone.Thank God I’m not in a ballet studio full of mirrors! I thought with relief. Then I heard the sweetest sound I could imagine: a deep, guttural “meow.” That’s when I knew I was dead. That sound—the only one I wanted to hear—was calling me to the only heaven I wanted to go to: Cat Heaven.
I opened my eyes to see a black cat rubbing gently against my legs. Never mind, I was alive. No wonder I thought it was an angel; the way it purred reminded me of the way Edwart mumbled.
That’s when I decided toreally fight. I jumped up to kick Josh in the butt. I got kind of embarrassed mid-kick, though, so it ended up being more of a timid toe-tap. His butt cheeks jiggled, unscathed, sending me backwards into the empty grave he had come out of.
I was staring at the night sky, dazed, when Josh’s head blocked my view of the moon. He swiftly moved forwards, as if to attack, but then stopped. Had my toe-tap sent him the wrong signal? He stood up straight at the edge of the grave, looking down at me. For the first time I noticed how tall he was.
Actually, from where I was sitting, he seemed really, really tall. I like tall guys. The two things I look for in
a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he’s a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or
the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.
“Die!” he growled.
“Help!” I screamed.
“Shhh!” everyone at the burial next to us whispered.
“Sorry,” we said together. He pulled me out of the grave and we continued struggling in silence.
We fought for a while, occasionally forgetting which of us was the human and which was the vampire. At
one point, he was wearing my dress and I was wearing his cape. I was about to bite, but then, for a
second, I thought I saw something redeemable beneath those red eyes and that cape and that face made
pale by white powder.
“Are you the boy who readsRomeo and Juliet every day at lunch?” I asked suddenly.
“No, Belle. Jeez Louise! I sit at the table behind you and your friends, with all my brothers and sisters.”
I thought back to the tables in the cafeteria: Edwart’s table, Jocks, Populars (my table), Arty Kids, Vampires. He must have sat at the last one.
Seeing me sit down and open a yearbook to finally sort this out, Josh continued: “Remember that first
day in the cafeteria when we both reached for the cottage cheese at the same time? And then we both
tried to pass it off like we were actually reaching for the fries but really we were just waiting for the other
person to leave so we could get the cottage cheese? Or the second day when I saved you from getting
hit by a car in the school parking lot?”
He spoke like someone from a far, far away time, like middle school. It was so charming! His sentences
were so long, I realized, I could easily run away. I could actually have run away at any point, but something kept me there, even when Josh turned away to yell into the darkness.
“Vicky!” he called. “How is the video going?”
“Got it all on tape!” a small female vampire said, running out from behind a tombstone. She was holding
a camcorder. I could tell she was evil because she had wavy red hair, a weird smile, and she was
wearing a shaggy fur poncho thing.
“I thought this would make a dramatic place for our home movie,” Josh gestured to the graveyard.
“How would you like to be a movie star?” he asked me menacingly.
Before I could answer, Vicky rushed over to fix my hair and apply glue-in fangs in my mouth.
“What movie?” I asked incredulously. I hadn’t signed any release. My fight moves were copyrighted.
“It’s called ‘A Day in the Life of Josh and Vicky!’” Vicky said. “We started filming this morning when
we woke up, and we continued throughout the day. It’s been really fun, especially when I filmed Josh
doing his homework.”
I made a home movie once, right before I left Phoenix
outfit I used to wear when I was a toddler. My mom loved it.
“I have an idea,” Vicky continued. “Belle, why don’t you say something on tape? How about ‘Great to
meet you, Josh and Vicky! Thanks for not eating me!’”
Vicky held up the camera. I looked from vampire to vampire. I gulped, swallowing a bug. It felt like my
knees were missing.
“Memories are so important, don’t you think?” Vicky said.
I said my line quickly to cover up my mispronunciation of the difficult foreign word “to.” I know it’s
either pronounced like “two” or “too” but I always forget which one.
“Now kiss!” Vicky whispered. The camera was still rolling.
Josh closed his eyes and puckered his lips. He leaned forwards. Only a few minutes ago, he wanted to kill me, which I guess was fair, because I wanted to gouge him in the armpit. Still, some of his sharp teeth were popping out of his puckered lips, and I was wary. What if my acting was bad?
Then I remembered that I am a great actress. I closed my eyes and leaned in. We kissed. I didn’t feel
anything, though, because it was all part of a day’s work by that point. It occurred to me that kissing was the least productive part of human courtship and not very sanitary, either. That’s how desensitized acting
had made me.
“Okay, great!” Vicky said, shutting off the camera. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning for “The Next Day in
the Life of Josh and Vicky!’” she shouted, disappearing into a nearby grave.
Yes, I decided.She’s evil .
My lips were bleeding a little, so I hastily wiped them off. What would I tell my dad? I decided I would
tell him I picked at them to make them red, just like I used to before I was old enough to wear lipstick.
Josh was looking at me with hungry eyes.
“Man, it rains a lot here!” I said to fill the silence. “Likeso much . So … ah … should we keep fighting
or what?”
Josh lunged forwards and pressed his lips to mine again. I resisted a little bit at first, to make it seem like
I was that kind of girl—the kind of girl who doesn’t like vampires—but then he “French-kissed” me.So
weird! I had heard about this before, but nothing could have prepared me for such a strange feeling.
Even after he removed his nose from my armpit, I still felt a slight tingling sensation.
“So is it awkward if I ask what our status is?” I asked quickly. Not that I cared either way. I just wanted
toknow , you know?
“Not at all. We’re a couple now.”
Hmm. I wondered how I’d express that on Facebook. I’d have to change it from what it was before:
“It’s complicated with a vampire.” But then I realized that worked pretty well with the new scenario.
“Want to come to the vampire prom with me tonight?” Josh asked.
I remembered my last prom: the stupid pre-prom photos, the ugly pink dresses, the tacky disco ball, the
gunshots, the 911 calls, the national media coverage, and the lame cover band.
“Of course!” I said.
“Great, because I already got you a ticket.”
“Oh wait,” I said, suddenly remembering the boy who had flailed away just minutes ago. “I think I might
already be going with someone …”
“Another vampire?”
“No. I thought so, but no.”
Remembering Edwart I felt angry, and a little silly. I should have known he wasn’t a vampire. He failed
to meet the three telltale criteria for vampirism: speaking in an old-timey way, being pompous, and having
sparkly skin.
“Well, it doesn’t really matter,” Josh said. “We vampires have a separate school prom in winter instead
of spring. Coincidentally at a time most inconvenient for outdoor photos.” He sneered. “Separate but
equal my ass.” I shook my head in sympathy. I had never realized that being a vampire made you different, but not in a
nice Dr. Seuss kind of way in which you have a star on your belly.
We sat down to snuggle in front of a tomb.
“Josh,” I asked. “How did you become a vampire?”
“I fought Dracula. I nearly killed him, too, only I felt bad when he told me that I was his only friend, and
that was the reason he’d kept me in his dungeon for five years. He bit me right when I turned to go back
to my dungeon. What a trickster! Very loyal once you’ve known him for a few centuries, though.”
“You know Dracula?!” I yelled. “That’s so cool!”
I imagined what I’d do if I ever met Dracula. I’d probably say, “I’m Belle Goose, girl of the vampires,”
and he would bow down and nip my feet.
“Well, Belle,” Josh said. “I’m a pretty cool guy.”
“What was Dracula like?”
“Fang-ed. Bat-like.”
Wow. Dating Josh would lead me to all sorts of opportunities. Maybe he knew the Swamp Thing too.
“I’ll take you to your house before we go to the prom,” Josh said, standing up and brushing off his cape.
“You’ll probably want to put some makeup on or something. Wash your face a few times.”
I blushed. I hadn’t realized my tempting blood smell was coming from my nose pores.
We held hands as we walked towards the exit. Josh’s hand was cold, but not in the clammy sweaty way
I was used to.Edwart , I thought with a sigh.Edwart, Edwart . Where did I know that name from?
“Wait here, beautiful,” Josh said once we exited the cemetery gate. “I’m going to bring the car around.”
A few minutes later he came to a rolling stop by the curb. “Get in,” he said ferociously.
Okay. I thought.That was a little rude . But I didn’t say anything, not then, and not even when he
hopped out, blindfolded me and tied my arms together.
“It’s for your own good, clumsy,”
It was hard for me to argue with that, especially as I was falling into the car.
He buckled my seatbelt. A few minutes later, I was surprised to feel the car move so slowly and
responsibly under Josh’s control. But, then again, he had been driving since the invention of cars.
We stopped. “Here’s the plan: you’re going to go upstairs and clean yourself up and get rid of that
human smell,” Josh said. I was still blindfolded, but I assumed we were at my house, or some other place
that had an upstairs. “I am going to smooth-talk your Dad.” He took off my blindfold. I stumbled towards my door, but he stopped me mid-step and put down his cape for me to walk on so my shoes wouldn’t get dirty from the pavement. I thanked him, gingerly stepping on the red satin lining. He quickly lifted up the corners, bagging me, and carried me to the door.
“What would you do without me, Belle?” he asked, inserting a tracking device in my ear.
His behavior was unusual, but I had never dated a vampire before. Besides, who could blame Josh for
being possessive? I was special—a girl who would one day be on a talk show saying: “Yes, Diane, my
childhoodwas difficult.”
Shrugging, I reached in my purse for my key, which turned out to not be necessary. Josh melted a hole
in the door and tossed me through it.
“Move, move, move!” he yelled. “We’ve got a vampire prom to get to!”
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