6. WOODS
I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept worrying that there was a leech outside my window. I
kept worrying it was going to jump from the tree onto my window screen and then worm its way in, using
its hemoglobin sensors to find where all my blood was. The problem with having great smelling blood is
that everyone is going to want some. I got up and closed the window. But that only caused a whole new
slew of fears, because what if the leech were already in my room? What if he and Edwart were in
cahoots, and the leech was merely second banana to him, hiding under my bed until I fell asleep? One
thing was for sure—I wasn’t going to stop that leech from doing its job. That’s no way to do my part for
the economy. I opened the window wide and went back to bed.
I tossed and turned for minutes. Luckily, my absentminded mother had packed the tranquilizer gun I
used to use on her when she’d get in one of her moods, so I shot myself with it and slept soundly. She
also packed our VCR and her diamond ring.
Despite the tranquilizer, I was still nervous the next morning. What was Edwart going to do to me? Was
I putting myself in grave danger? Why did a leech sucking my blood disgust me but not a vampire? Most
importantly, how was I going to balance wearing a ball gown with not looking like I cared too much
about my appearance? I ended up scratching the ball gown and going with a button-down shirt, but a
girl’s button-down shirt. You can tell by the pockets.
I heard a knock on the door and breathed in sharply. How thoughtful of Edwart to knock when he could
just as easily break down the door. I opened it expectantly.
It was the mailman, grinning at me with that typical Switchblade smile.
“Hi,” he said. “Nice weather.”
I shifted awkwardly. I felt comfortable talking about a lot of things, but not the weather. I didn’t quite
have the terminology down, having skipped the grade in which you learn about various atmospheric
conditions.
“Yeah—the sun’s on today,” I guessed tentatively.
“Well, you tell your dad I said hello.”
It was then that I finally understood. He was in love with me. It was all there—the doorbell ringing, the
door standing, the showing off with his weather knowledge. Were there no other girls in this town to
diffuse the responsibility of being loved?
I took the one letter he had for us. It was from the Switchblade Gas & Electric Company. I didn’t know
I had admirers there too, but I wasn’t that surprised. I threw it in the trash with the IRS’s love letters and
closed the door without reply.
I went into the kitchen to have some breakfast before Edwart came. Breakfast is the most important
meal of the day, and this was my most important day of the year. I would eat two breakfasts in
recognition of this.
Dad was in the kitchen, as usual, fumbling around with the drawers. He couldn’t even pour himself
cereal! I wonder how he managed to exist by himself before I arrived.
“Here’s abowl , Dad,” I said.
“A what?”
“It’s like a plate, but with sides,” I explained. As I pulled it out of the cupboard, I accidentally flung up it
towards the ceiling fan. I pulled out another bowl and gave it to my dad. He stared at it until I poured the
cereal in.
“Here, Dad. Here’s the spoon. Eat your cereal with the spoon.”
“Thanks, Belle,” he said appreciatively. He was pretty clueless, but at least he could feed himself, which
was not true of my mother. I used to do the airplane thing to feed her, but then a plane crashed near our
house, and so the sound scared her. After that, I would imitate flying cars, which is roughly the same
sound, but on a lower register.
“So, Belle, what’s new today?”
“Dad,” I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. “I’m in the deepest love that has ever
occurred in the history of the world.”
“Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you, ‘What’s new?’ the correct answer is, ‘not much.’ Besides, isn’t
it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your
social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to
leave! I’m imagining pages and pages would happen—with nothing but the names of the month on them.”
“If Edwart ever left, I’d find some other monster to hang out with. You know I don’t like real people. I
have no social skills,” I said. “I guess I’m kind of like my dad in that way.” I smiled generously. I wasn’t
usually this emotional with him, and it felt good.
My mind shifted to my main concern. I needed him out of the house—parents were so lame when
boyfriends came over. I had lots of experience with this back in Phoenix
house whenever a boy came over, forcingme to find some way to entertain him whenshe was the one
who had invited him in the first place.
“Hey Dad,” I said. “Why don’t you go fishing?”
“Yeah, I think I’m supposed to go fishing today. Wasn’t that today? I thought that was today. I forget.”
“It was today,” I said, military-strategistly, “Why don’t you try the farther fishing place? That way, you
would get home later.”
“That sounds like a pretty good idea to me!” he said. “Maybe I’ll take that wheelchair friend along with
me. I like going fishing all day when you’re home,” he said as he walked out. “I’m not used to sharing a
house with another person. It’s exhausting!”
So that was that. Jim was out of the house, and he didn’t mind that I was planning to see Edwart. No
one else could know we were going on a date, though. I needed to protect Edwart in case anything
happened. Still, I had never gone out with such a hot guy before, so I sent a vague e-mail to the whole
grade saying, “Edwart Mullen and Belle Goose Are Totally Together.”
All of a sudden, I heard a knock on the door. I peeped through the peakhole, which is what my mom
and I call the peephole because the word “peep” gives her the giggle fits.
It was Edwart.
“Just a sec!” I called, grabbing a few magazines and heading towards the bathroom. “I have to do some
human things.”
The bathroom is where I keep the juicer. I juiced some grapefruit onto my veins to get my characteristic,
extra-yummy blood scent.
“Belle,” he said when I finally opened the front door.
“Edwart,” I replied, demonstrating that I, too, had spent an hour in my room, memorizing his name.
All of a sudden, he began to laugh. Had I said something funny? Had he? How long had I been spacing
out for, slowly growing conscious that my fate was in the hands of a group of college kids who’d kill me
off just for a laugh.Little did they realize that I was organizing a revolt .
“We’re wearing the same clothes,” he said. And it was true. He was also wearing a white button-down
shirt—in fact, a woman’s button-down. He, too, was wearing a hair clip that looked kind of girly. I
laughed with him, then stopped when I saw he looked better than me, then laughed once more because
all I wanted was for him to be happy.
“Let’s go, Belle. There’s something I want to show you.”
“Where are we going?”
“Someplacerisky.”
“Italy
cuisine, I knew from my research that the most powerful vampire family had decided to live there forever.
“You’ll see,” he said mysteriously. “Oh, and Belle? I think it would be wise for you to change into some
sturdier shoes.”
I looked down at my feet. Sturdier than my flame-resistant space galoshes? I guess I had a pair of hiking
boots.
“You never know what’s lurking beyond acres and acres of grassy plateau…” he added, dropping
another cryptic hint. “You’re also going to need an oxygen tank, a tent, an afternoon’s worth of rations
and your own sherpa.We’re climbing Deadman’s Mound.”
I shuddered. Every part of my body told me not to go on this adventure—every part but my heart,
which really needed the exercise.
“But Edwart, I don’t have any of those things.”
“Neither do I, Belle.” He took a step forward and I breathed in his musky, Axe-drenched scent.
“Without oxygen, I’ll not only be a danger to myself up there. I’ll be a liability toyou.”
He paused. I widened my eyes in fear, a good way to cover up an awkward silence that you’re unsure
how to fill.
“Do you see how risky this is?” he continued. “Me bringing you up there, without taking any safety
precautions such as my anxiety medication? You, responsible for my actions for the rest of the
afternoon?” He swayed woozily.
I nodded with resolve. “My emotional well-being depends on you too much to be away from you.”
“Thank God,” he said. “I wished you had told me that before I flushed my meds down the toilet, though.
I really wished you had told me that before.” He tossed me a tiny hammock. “If at any point while we are
hiking I crawl into the vegetation or other nookish space, just sling that around your shoulder and cradle
me for a while.”
I put it in my purse and unlocked my truck. I stepped up to open the door and immediately fell down.So
Belle.
“You seem exhausted,” Edwart said as we got in the car.
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep that well last night.”
“Neither could I,” he said as we sped off.
“Yeah, those night leeches are becoming a major concern, aren’t they.”
“Oh, Belle,” he laughed softly, “When you talk like that, I become afraid, and if you continue to do so, I
will feel compelled to tell the authorities.” His laugh was like the jingle of a thousand manly sirens.
I pulled into the parking lot at the end of our block.
“Here we are,” I announced. “The Deadman trailhead.” I jumped out of the car, inflated my core
stability ball and started my stretches.
“Will your dad be okay if we hike off the trail?” Edwart asked. “On this road?”
“What Jim doesn’t know can’t hurt him.” I flopped my stomach onto the ball and did the stretch where
you let it go wherever it wants.
“You didn’t inform your dad where you would be? Geez, Belle! I don’t know how much of this
risk-taking I can take!” He started wheezing and his nose gushed with blood.
“Great. And now this,” he said in the nasal voice of Alvin
I brought him over to the ball and propped his head against it.
“What if you didn’t come home before dinnertime?” he continued to chastise. “What if Jim didn’t make
an extra plate of dinner for you because he thought you already ate?Then where would you be?”
“He knows I’m with you.”
“Fat lot of use that’ll be when we’re marooned on the road.Forever . It’s a good thing my parents
inserted a chip in my arm that tells them where I am and lists the possible ways I could go missing.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, but I wasn’t really. When guys gnash their teeth and knit their brows in a broody,
furious expression, it means they have found their soul mate. Plus, his anger had set off his overactive
sweat glands, causing him to tear off his shirt. As he stood up to march down the road, squatting here
and there to examine the terrain, the musculature of his arms wobbled like string cheese.
In the sky was a single cloud, thin and disc-like, precisely covering the sun. I looked over at Edwart. It
occurred to me that I had never seen him in direct sunlight. Interestingly enough, I had also never seen
him sparkle. Could the two be related? I had a theory that sunlight drastically alters a vampire’s
appearance; much like green lighting makes them appear sickly.
“Ready when you are,” I called, peeling off a layer in the hot (but significantly not bright) heat. Edwart
turned and I screamed. Yet again, he was wearing the same top as me—a white, skinny-strapped
camisole. How hadn’t I noticed that until he turned around? Sometimes, the cape my imagination
constantly projects onto his back distorts how I perceive reality.
Still, Edwart had made some improvements. He had cut the shirt down the middle and applied a zipper,
which he now zipped down to his belly button. His bared flesh gleamed translucent, revealing the blue
veins beneath his two-haired chest. The shirt fit perfectly to his concave belly, outlining every protruding
rib-bone and leaving nothing to the imagination. His neck radiated like a god from all the rhinestones he
had glued to the top’s neckline. I looked down at my plain, zipperless camisole. I was beginning to weary
of Edwart’s competitive method of wooing.We’ll seewho wins the potato sack race , I though
maliciously. I had been practicing for years.
“Let’s go,” he said. We began to hike up the road on Deadman’s Mound. The road circled and circled
around the sloping woods, past and re-past the straight, sloping trail. In the woods we saw some beetles
and worms. I mention this because now that mammals have fled what little nature grows near civilization,
we have to get excited about the small things.
Edwart kept on referring to his map so we wouldn’t get lost. When we did get lost, he had the clarity of
mind to pull out his tent so we could set up camp for the night. Then I took out my binoculars and
spotted the top of the hill, twenty yards to our left. We trekked onwards until the road came to an abrupt
stop in the middle of a field. A car rambled up, stopped, and made a twelve-point turn. I skipped to the
middle of the field and continued skipping around and around. Never had I felt freer. Never had I belted
The Sound of Music louder. It was beautiful. There were glorious weeds everywhere, and those yellow
flowers that when you blow on them disappear into white flakes. It was magical. And yet, it looked
strangely familiar.
“Is this my backyard?” I asked.
Edwart stood, leaning against a tree in the woods bordering the meadow. “No, Belle. We’re at least five
minutes from your house.”
“Oh,” I replied. I was so bad at approximation. It was a foreign situation, but it all felt oddly familiar, so
familiar that I guesstimated that millions of girls around the world could identify with it. Suddenly shy, I
peered over at Edwart, who was lurking in the shade, watching me prostrate in obeisance to the eight
wind spirits.
“Isn’t there something you wanted to show me?” I reminded him. “Something aboutPrice Elasticity?” I
asked, his gorgeous sunlight transformation.
“Oh! Right. Close your eyes and count to a hundred.”
I closed my eyes and counted extra slowly, in Mississippis
about Mississippi Mississippi
number came after 79.
After I had counted to a hundred ten times, starting over again every time Edwart shrieked, “Not ready
yet,” I opened my eyes and shielded them against the sun, now significantly exposed in the clear sky.
What I saw bewildered me. Edwart was standing in the middle of the field, glistening. His skin had
transformed into a shade of fire-engine red, and the sweat dripping from his every pore intensified the
illusion that his head was a shiny tomato.
In his hand was a shovel and at his feet was a hole.
“This is what I want to show you,” he said.
“I’m already familiar with beetles,” I said, expertly popping one into my mouth.
“Listen, Belle. This is a secret that I can only entrust to you.” He stooped down into the hole and
wrestled out a man-sized android. “Are you scared yet?”
“No. It’s beautiful.” I took a step forwards to touch its arm. Edwart stiffened.
“Sorry,” he said.” I wasn’t prepared for your movement. When you’re around androids all day, you get
used to controlling when and how people move. This whole human interaction thing, well … it’s going to
take some getting used to.”
“That’s all right.” So I was the only human Edwart had contact with. I stepped towards it more slowly,
trying to do humanity justice. “What is it, exactly?”
“It’s a solar-powered, anatomically correct android. I keep it in this bright, secluded meadow so it can
charge openly without fearing that rivals in the annual Robotics Competition will kidnap it. After I turn it
off, I bury it out of respect.”
“What does it do?”
“Allow me to demonstrate.” He turned it on and the robot’s eyes glowed red. It stood up slowly, each
joint clicking into place. When it reached its full height, its head spun towards me. Then it collapsed back
on the floor like a punctured soufflé before slowly beginning to rise again.
“That’s it? It just falls over and gets back up over and over?”
“Yep—look at it struggle. Look how many synthetic muscles it has to use. The human body is an
extraordinary thing.” He took my hand. “Feel how smooth I’ve made its skin.”
As he pulled my hand, I leaned in, mesmerized by Edwart’s face. My lips drew closer to his heavily
braced mouth.
“Ahhhhhhh!”
Edwart was rolling away on the ground, arms outstretched like a rolling pin. My fast actions had caught
him off guard again.
“It’s my fault,” he yelped, still rolling. “I can’t kiss you until we’re officially going out. It’s part of ‘The
Rules.’” He stopped rolling and sat up, his breath rattling in his chest as he heaved. “Isabelle. Isa. Izzy.
Belly-Belle. Will you go out with me? I don’t mean physically go out—we can stay inside and work on a
website that promotes this robot all you want. I mean hypothetically. Like, if you were to go outside with
someone, to a place, that person would be me. And that place would be an arcade.”
I looked into his eyes and saw the one thing he couldn’t say:Every moment I look at you it takes all
the discipline I can muster not to take you in my arms and drink from the fount of your throat .
“I’m not afraid of you, Isa-Edwart,” I said, speaking his full name as softly as he had said mine.
“Still? You’re still not afraid of me? I assure you—I am an incredibly scary guy!” He stood there for a
minute, thinking, then jogged across the field.
“As if you could outrun me!” he shouted.
“As if you could outfight me!” He punched the air.
“As if you could outclimb me!” He hugged a tree and tried to wrap his legs around it before tumbling to
the ground and trotting back to me, placing his hands on his head to maximize the inflow of oxygen.
“Noware you afraid?Now will you go out with me?”
That took me by surprise. Asking permission was something only knights from ancient centuries did.
Then I remembered how old Edwart really was—that hundreds of years ago, he was living among
Napoleon and Jesus.
“Yes, Edwart. Yes.” I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I
hadn’t done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like
these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly.
“Great!” he said, and then stared at me. I stared at him. I lay down on the grass. He lay down next to
me. We made grass angels in synchronized motions. The time flew by as if in a dream.
“Belle,” he said. “It’s time to go.”
“Already?”
“It’s been five hours. We’ve been lying on the grass staring at each other for five hours. Please … I
really need to get home.”
I nodded sleepily. “Do you think you could carry me back to the car with your super-strength? Not
everyone can speed through a dense forest at over a hundred mph, you know.”
“Over a hundred mph? Geez!” he muttered, but took a deep breath. “Okay, Belle. Over a hundred
mph, here we go.” He pulled out a sleeping bag from his camping pack. “Close your eyes and put your
arms around my neck.”
I did as he asked. At first, I felt us lowering to the ground, speedily. Then, a comforting feeling, of soft
down beneath my shins. Edwart made a few scooching movements and we were off, speeding down the
hill.
When I felt safe enough to open my eyes, my truck was in front of us. Edwart was standing up, brushing
himself off. The sun had set, but I thought I noticed a faint glimmer of scorching crimson haunting his skin.
“Drive me to my car, please,” he said. “I need to be in bed by eight.” I started the car. The engine
hummed gently, harmonizing with Edwart’s sudden onslaught of snores. I gazed at the sweet vampire
drool dribbling down his cheek from his open mouth. It suddenly occurred to me that, after all that
frolicking in the meadows, he hadn’t kissed me. Was it because of the mold that grew in my sinuses? Or
the fact that the only way to treat the mold was to pour burning fat in my nose, massacring their colonies?
Or was he disgusted that, deep in my heart, I considered the mold a part of me?
No. He couldn’t possibly know about that. The sinus mold was one secret I would carry with me to the
grave.
The grave!It was inescapable. One day, I would die in a beautiful explosion, but Edwart would live on.
Maybe that’s why he hadn’t kissed me. Maybe, he couldn’t afford to get attached to a person tragically
bound to become a million glittering particles.
I looked at his tiny body curled up in the passenger seat. In a year, I would be eighteen, but Edwart
would still be seventeen. He would still have the youthful frame of a twelve year-old, but I would have
saggy, postpartum flesh and rheumatism. I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to kiss me. Who would
want to kiss a pair of lips that, at any moment, could turn into a wrinkled old pile of dust?
Unless I, too, became a vampire!Nothing would keep Edwart’s lips from mine if we wereboth
immortal. All Edwart had to do was bite and he would never again have to worry about the beautiful
memories I would lose to Alzheimer’s in college.
About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second,
there was a vampire part of him—which I assumed was wildly out of his control—that wanted me dead.
And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, wished that he
had kissed me.
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